Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You did what with his pubic hair?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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