wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
