i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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