need another drink. this is the easiest way
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
