Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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