God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
