I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
