WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Your penis caused this!
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