I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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