"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
