When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
