I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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