i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
