I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
