We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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