Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
