Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
