Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
