I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
