Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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