I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
