I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
