Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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