when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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