O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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