Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
