Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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