I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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