Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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