Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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