I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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