is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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