apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
tell me about the fingering
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
