everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
