I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
pray to the hookup gods
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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