mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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