I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
