I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Holy sore nipples Batman
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
