This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
