You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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