I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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