I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
