you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
