He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
