nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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