Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
