just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
