i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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