Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
