I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
