you would pick up someone in the library
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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