I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
